11.10.24
Since my last post, I've fallen into the same familiar trappings that face modern man. That after my vacation I'd be a different person entirely, but change is hard to keep up, especially if it's not tracked and checked. A few future trajectories are different, sure, but only if I stick to them and have others hold me accountable. I guess that's one thing I've learned at least - accountability is a very valuable tool. I can hardly get up the nerve to ask the cashier if I can get my sandwich split in half or ask how much something unlabelled at the register costs. But if I have someone else wondering that, asking for them gives me the responsibility to find out, and the confidence allows me to ask. Simple, small thing, I know, but we're all here to learn something along the way to the grave.
The other trap this wandering beast and/or bird has fallen into is the confusion of love. I have to bite my tongue before saying the L-word out loud, mostly out of fear of any possible confusion, either on my part or the other person's. It's backfired on me before when I thought she said it first and I didn't respond promptly enough, but that's just an excuse. Point of the matter is, regarding the special someone I mentioned previously, I still have to work up the nerve to ask him to move there with me. I've been trying to analyze the feelings I've had over the past several years, for months at a time drifting between thinking of him either as a best friend or a potential partner. Each time has always felt certain within the moment, but I'd find myself a few weeks later playing devil's advocate and seeing something that wasn't there, reevaluating my position, and then found myself ousted from that once more with time. It's frustrating, but it's a good way to pass the time, I suppose.
Point to my point is, I don't know what's best for either of us. Without going into too many personal details, a work-study situation would require compromise on both our parts in terms of commuting and transport, not to mention if I would still drift into my self-pitying shutdown mode and need him to reboot me. I've been on the other side of that role before and it can be draining, to put it lightly. All this is irrespective of whether we'd be friends or something more, but what forces me to pause is what he said to me about a former love interest of his. They would talk well into daylight hours of their many shared interests, neither pausing to catch a breath in their love for all the same niches. I had but to hear the word "perfect," even if it was only my subconscious talking. I cannot offer that, and any attempt to force a personality for a lover will end with two broken hearts.
Do I offer something different that's valuable in his eyes? Almost definitely. But do I want his hapiness above all else? Yes, and I just had to stop myself from writing that she would have given that to him. There are many things we still don't know about each other - first and foremost of whether he'd be down to move at all. We need to talk about this, we are adults. And like an adult, I'll need to be liquored up proper before getting into any sort of emotional discussion. Judge however you want, I'm taking steps here, no matter how small.
Apologies for the rant, it makes more sense to get things out into words. Which brings me to the last thing I'll keep myself held accountable for here: writing. Or game dev. Or finishing this site. No, writing first, I have more stock in that. It's been long enough since I submitted to my writing group that I've run out of excuses, so allow me to do just that. And expect to see at least snippets of it here by next Sunday or else you can DM me pictures of your grandmother as punishment if I fail to deliver my promise.
Item of interest: Khoresh Kadu Halvaee. Very savory dish that combines the sear and umami of chicken with sweetness of prunes and... crunchiness and salt... pistachios... Look I haven't read Salt Fat Acid Heat, I don't know food terminology but I know a good dish when I taste it. As always with cooking sites, make sure you have an adblocker before you click the link.
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10.26.24
First entry here, but there's not much to write at the moment. I've focused the last 2 days on sprucing up the sitemap instead of working on my writing, game design, or cooking, but then again I've only recently gotten back from a long vacation. Maybe it's best to slow down before things start spinning up in preparation for a potential move in about six months' time back to my college town. I've been fantasizing about something like it for a while, especially if a special someone takes up my offer to move there with me. But I can't help but be concerned that fantasy will crumble before reality, or that I won't be the person that I fantasize to be. I know my attitude can be short and I don't give any clear indication whenever something's wrong. But I know if this is the future I want, then I will have to change for the better for it.
Item of interest: Team Charm's Theme (Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers Of Sky). I do not remember it going nearly as hard as it does.
